Global Traffic Report- Part 2

Good evening folks, this is Steve in Chopper 8 (twice as good as Chopper 4 and four times as good as Chopper 2, which was subsequently dismantled and sold as scrap for gas money in Nepal) bringing you world traffic conditions.

India - Why anyone is driving in this country this evening is beyond me. While cows and funeral processions are plugging up traffic in Varanassi, someone's made a parking lot in the middle of the road in Delhi. I'm not sure that anyone can really see where they're going because of all the pollution spewed from cars, trucks, scooters and tuktuks. I highly suggest taking the new, clean mass transit train. Just make sure to have correct change ready when you get up to the window. Moving further south and west to Mumbai, the roads get slightly better allowing speeds of up to 50kph, but religious festivals have the public out in droves, bringing things to a grinding halt. It sure looks like the people on foot are having a much better time of it than those in vehicles. Inland, in Bangalore, things aren't any better because the road construction due to the installation of a "subway" has caused MG Road to go down to 2 lanes. This hasn't stopped many of the scooters or motorcycles carrying at least 3 people each. Who knows when this will end because the political party that had started this project was just thrown out of the government. Whoever starts this project up again will have to go through the process of bribing key people again. This is all compounded by the sewer that just burst.

Thailand - Other than the traffic caused by the 8 minute long red lights, traffic seems to be moving pretty well in Bangkok, except on the road north to Kao Yai National Park. It seems that many of those who are traveling north this weekend to their "privilege homes" or to visit Thailand's wine region have things gridlocked pretty well. You may come across a large tourist bus or two carrying camera wielding tourists, but they're pretty easy to pass, because apparently, in Thailand, driving fast is cool. Overall, the roads around Bangkok are paved well, and with plenty of public transportation and boats across the river, you should have no trouble this evening getting home. Hungry drivers are also well cared for, with a plethora of street side food choices, from any imaginable pork product to smoked guinea pig and fish to custard apples and fresh fruit. Be sure to pick some up on your way home tonight. Pedestrians, please take care when crossing the street. The tuktuks here launch harder from stoplights than my friend's '89 Mustang with drag radials. They sound pretty bad as well.

Hong Kong - Most of the drivers you see on the roads tonight are there because they can afford to drive to work. I've never seen such an upscale traffic jam (ok, maybe portions of the Woodward Dream Cruise) with high end Rolls-Royces, BMW's, Ferraris and Mercedes. There are a lot of cars on the island's roads, but it seems they continue to move, albeit slowly. Other commuters have chosen to avoid the traffic and have taken one of the many other options, Double Decker Trolly, subway, or train. After New Year's sales have brought the public out in droves this evening to shop at some of the most upscale malls in the world. Consider taking public trans to the mall, as the parking lots are full.

Japan - If you're considering heading to or from Narita Airport, this evening be sure to give yourself a good half day. Even though I'm staring at one of the most orderly and courteous traffic jams in the world, no one's going anywhere. Over in Rappongi Hills, someone's caused a back up by running their Left Hand Drive S600 into a pole. Could it have been because he was driving on the WRONG SIDE OF THE CAR? Seems like a large price to pay for "status". Pedestrians tonight in Shibuya should be prepared to cross the street with 3000 others at the same time. Don't consider driving here. Additionally, around the Royal Palace, traffic's gone bazerk because there's a marathon running through the streets. However, everyone's dressed in single but brightly colored jogging suits and wearing boxes on their head. If the street hasn't been closed off, throngs of other Asian tourists are photographing the event and blocking traffic. Best bet to get around tonight, do what millions of other Japanese do and take the subway. Just make sure to buy the right type of ticket. The JNR lines and the Toei lines take DIFFERENT TICKETS.

Australia - Around the major cities tonight you'll find it gridlocked due to the plethora of cars and roads that make no logical sense, like a hub and spoke gone bad. It's probably influence of the hills and bodies of water surrounding Sydney and Melbourne. If you're looking for parking there, be prepared to give your first born in exchange. It looks like the cyclists are moving the best. If you're driving, please watch out for them and their high end road bikes. Oh, a note for all you tourist drivers out there, there are certain roads that look ok to take, but require an EZPass type device. You'll want to research which roads these are BEFORE traveling on them, as it's a $100 fine to be caught without one of these devices. Things are moving well along the roads down the coast between Sydney and Melbourne, as the towns here give a new meaning to "small town". Be sure to get your groceries and fresh fish before 3pm, as many of the stores will close. Moving to South Australia, please be careful of Kangaroos, as they'll bend up quite a bit of sheet metal. However, if you see any Cane Toads, please, please swerve to hit them. In the Barossa, things are snarled up because Elton John's in town and police have set up DUI checkpoints every 500m on roads leaving the concert. I'd suggest that you bike, but it's rumored that the police will not hesitate to cite you with a "drink driving" charge even if on a bicycle. Oh, by the way, the legal limit is .05.

Happy driving and have a good weekend! This is Chopper 8 signing out.